


heartlines

by baetokkis



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Songfic, alcoholic sooyoung if you squint, kinda heavy i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:29:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23319133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baetokkis/pseuds/baetokkis
Summary: Seungwan loves Sooyoung, she truly does. But Sooyoung is too busy falling in love with the beach.
Relationships: Park Sooyoung | Joy/Son Seungwan | Wendy
Comments: 14
Kudos: 90





	heartlines

**Author's Note:**

> plot loosely based on the beach by the neighbourhood and a bit of w.d.y.w.f.m. enjoy :)

The sound of rain keeps Seungwan awake that night. It’s not like she can sleep much nowadays, not when her head is nothing more than a mess that alternates between silky brown hair and boring corporate law, so she sits on her couch to watch some TV and wait for the thunderstorm to end so she can finally try to get some rest.

She swears she can feel her phone vibrating from time to time, so she checks it when the late-night commercials begin, but she should know better than that. These days, her mind seems to be always playing tricks on her.

It’s not healthy to be this anxious for a simple text, she knows, but the alternative hurts even more. And so she sits there, her eyes glued to the TV, but without paying attention to any of it at all. Too bored to even think, too exhausted to focus.

The night always seemed longer when Seungwan spent them alone.

-

Seungwan’s not sure the right moment she fell asleep, but when she wakes up, she’s still on the couch and the TV is still on, but on mute. Outside, it continues to pour.

She hears steps on the hallway, the sound of keys turning into the doorknob, and finally, she hears the door spring open, but makes no move. She knows Sooyoung is there, leaning against the doorway and watching her in silence, but Seungwan remains motionless, staring at nothing. She’s not sure how she should act around her friend lately when all she does is avoid her.

Even though the television continues to play the commercials in silence, Seungwan can sense the imminent headache.

They never talk about what Sooyoung does at night. Not when she comes back too late, not when she comes back with someone, not even when she doesn’t come back at all. It’s a mutual agreement they had ever since they started to live together. 

Seungwan doesn’t need to know about Sooyoung’s sexcapades, or the nights she spends alone on the beach even though she insists it’s not safe for her to keep going there. What she does need to know is that if there’s anything she can do, but Sooyoung’s been acting like a stranger, and every step Seungwan tries to take in her direction, seems like another reason for her to pull away. 

It takes a while for Sooyoung to close the door and sit with her on the couch, and only when they are side by side, Seungwan dares to take a look at her roommate. She doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t need to. Her friend’s eyes are droopy and her expression tired – that’s all the answer Seungwan needs.

Sooyoung is the first to break eye contact, tilting her head up as if trying not to let tears fall down her cheeks. But Seungwan knows better – Sooyoung doesn’t cry.

Instead, she stares at the ceiling in silence and Seungwan joins her, looking at the clouds of dust swirling over her eyes.

“Where were you?” Seungwan is the one who disrupts the silence, her voice wavering a bit as she turns her attention to the other girl. 

Sooyoung remains mum for a few moments, and Seungwan is not sure if she’s trying to decide whether she should answer or ignore her question completely. Both options seem like something she would do, so she stays there. Waiting. Patient, like she has always been when it came to Sooyoung.

After a few moments, she takes a deep breath and her eyelids flutters close.

“I was with someone,” Sooyoung says, and Seungwan is glad her friend has her eyes closed; otherwise, she would see how her expression dropped at the information.

She tries not to think about it, the whole idea of Sooyoung going out on dates and staying there past midnight makes her stomach swirls uncomfortably no matter how often that was.

“Was it fun?” Seungwan murmurs, shutting her eyes.

Sooyoung shrugs, “It was okay. I’m probably not going to see her again.”

“Yeah, right…” She tries to avoid an edgy remark, something like how Sooyoung never sees the same girl more than once like they’re nothing more than toys to her, but she doesn’t need another argument right know. She’s had enough of those with these days. She’s tired of it.

“And then I went for a walk… on the beach,” Sooyoung adds, shyly, and the adjective is so foreign when used on her that Seungwan almost smiles.

The information makes her feel warmer than it should, and she says, tenderly, “I’m glad you did.”

They stay there, in silence, the way it has been for the past few weeks, and Seungwan doesn’t dare to say anything else. She is angry most of the time lately and when she’s not, she’s sad, and because of that she has the tendency to ruin everything. She can’t risk that with Sooyoung. Even though when there’s almost nothing left to ruin, or even when she feels the silence is only tearing them apart and she just keeps reaching and reaching, and Sooyoung’s never there.

“Seungwan…”

Finally, Seungwan opens her eyes and takes a good look at Sooyoung. Her shoulders are slumped and there are bags under her eyes. She’s undoubtedly wearied, and Seungwan can’t help but worry about her habit of overworking herself, of always pushing too hard even when she can’t take it anymore.

She waits for her to continue, but all she gets is a soft laugh and Seungwan notices her friend knows exactly what she was thinking.

It’s so unusual to hear her laughing this freely that Seungwan takes some time to register it completely.

“You’re so good to me, _Seungwannie_.”

Seungwan snorts at the nickname, but doesn’t complain – they’re way past that. She wants to say she’s not that good and Sooyoung should stop thinking so highly of her when she’s nothing more than a failure, however, no words come out of her mouth and it’s not long until she feels Sooyoung’s hand making its way to hold hers. Her breath hitches and she gasps for being caught off guard, but she opens her hand and laces their fingers together nevertheless.

Despite all that, the silence is not always a bad thing. Sometimes, when they stay together like that, just enjoying each other’s company, Seungwan forgets about who they are to each other, where is her place in that friendship.

Sometimes, when Sooyoung holds her hand like she means it, it’s easier for Seungwan to pretend that she’s happy. But it doesn’t last very long until reality hits her like a bucket of cold water, and then she’s drowning.

-

One thing is sure, Seungwan doesn’t know much about love.

Her parents got divorced when she was too young to remember, and her previous relationships were probably the furthest from love she would ever know. Because of that, she’s not sure of _when_ she started to feel that way towards Sooyoung. Like most things about her life, that specific moment was nothing more than a distant, foggy memory, so she chose to believe that it had been a gradual process, almost imperceptible until it consumed her.

She knows she shouldn’t, her friends remind her all the time. It’s not ideal to love someone who’s known to be a person who doesn’t care about anyone else other than herself.

She tried so hard to prove to them Sooyoung is not like that, to show them she can be caring and loving if given the chance, but it’s useless. So she hates it, but she knows Sooyoung too well to know she’s not the least bothered by it. She doesn’t care about what people say. Sometimes, Seungwan even thinks they’re right and Sooyoung doesn’t really care about anything at all.

Yet, Seungwan is not the one to say it, she still doesn’t know much about love. But she knows Sooyoung and she cares about her so much. It makes her wonder for how long will that be enough.

-

She was ten when they first met, running around the park like she was still five years old. Seungwan loved to feel the grass under her feet, the wind blowing her hair away from her face. The feeling of freedom. It never lasted long though, her mother would always ask her to slow down or else she would fall. This time, there was no one to tell her that, so when she tripped over her own foot, it was already too late.

Blood was coming out of her knee and she closed her eyes tightly, as if that would make the pain go away. By the time she opened her eyes, there was a girl sitting on the grass in front of her, holding a first aid kit and beaming as bright as the sun.

“I’ll help you,” she bluntly said, not waiting for Seungwan’s answer to take out of the tiny box the things she would need.

Seungwan didn’t know why would that girl walk with a first aid kit on her bag, or how did she learn to treat wounds when she was that young, but she didn’t ask. She didn’t want to bother, so she just sat there, muttering a small “thank you” at every brush the gauze made on her skin.

Sooyoung was three years younger than her, but somehow, she seemed so mature for her age, and Seungwan didn’t know if that was a good thing.

Later, Seungwan came home with a bandaid on her knee and even though her mother yelled at her for leaving the house without warning her, she had a reason to come back to the park alone again. 

-

“That’s not healthy,” it’s the first thing Seulgi says when they meet at the library the next day. The worry is obvious on her face, and the volume of her voice makes Seungwan cringe.

Seulgi’s girlfriend, Joohyun, is there too, watching the interaction with curious eyes. She doesn’t speak, it’s not her place to do so, but she stays there like a soothing and calming presence to both of them. She had always been the silent strength they needed when they argued.

“We don’t need to go there again, Seulgi,” Seungwan says, _begs_ , as she flops on one of the chairs. Seulgi sits at her side, grasping her hand so tightly that the blonde girl thinks she might break it.

“She’s not for you, Seungwan.” The tone of her voice is final. It leaves no room for argument, but Seungwan was always the stubborn one between the two.

“So you’ve told me… a billion times before,” Seungwan says in a pleading voice. The effect of it on Seulgi is minimal, if there even is one.

“And I’ll keep telling you until you believe it.”

“It’s not like I don’t know it already.”

“It’s been years.” Seulgi urges, and she doesn’t need to say much more for Seungwan to know what she means by it.

A beat of silence dreads on the air. They stare at each other intently, with so many unspoken words between them. Seungwan wonders how long has it been since she had an actual conversation with her friend – when was the last time she ever shared a piece of information about her life that wasn’t just as pointless about what happened the other week between her and Sooyoung.

“We’re friends.” Seungwan mumbles, almost in defeat, but Seulgi barely seems to listen. She probably wouldn’t, no matter how many times Seungwan asked her to.

“Sooyoung’s not for you.”

A skeptical laugh escapes Seungwan’s throat. Dry and bitter, one that Seulgi sure deserves for treating her like a child.

“You barely know her. You have no right to tell me that.”

“But I know you, and I know what she does with people.”

Seungwan does, too. She knows about the one night stands, about other rumors like the one that says Sooyoung tends to lean people on and on until she gets bored and dump them like they’re just playtoys.

“You act like she’s a monster,” Seungwan says, lowly, sounding almost scared to let Seulgi hear it. Her head hurts, and the early morning inquiry isn’t helping it go away.

“She just doesn’t...” Seulgi sighs, and Seungwan can see she doesn’t want to argue either when she gives up halfway through her sentence. “It’s not healthy.”

“Sooyoung’s a good person. You don’t know her like I do.” 

There’s no point in arguing with Seulgi, she’s well aware. Her friend only wants her best, but it’s not fair of her to treat Sooyoung like that. 

“Did she even tell you what she did these days you were worried sick about her?” Seulgi presses further. “Did she tell you how many girls she’s been with this week while you were sulking on your couch?”

“I was not…” Seungwan stops, pushing her hand away from the older woman’s touch.

There’s no point in arguing with Seulgi, she reminds herself. 

The throbbing on the side of her head is getting worse. Seungwan closes her eyes, hoping that her friend would notice she wasn’t in the mood for talking.

“Did she tell you were she was last night?” Seulgi tries again, gentler this time, and all Seungwan can do is nod.

“Yes.”

It’s not a lie, not completely. 

“Was she drunk again?” 

The question repeats itself on Seungwan’s head for a while. She thinks about the unsure steps, the unusual silence, and the sudden half confession. Was she drunk?

“No,” it’s all she says before focusing again on her textbook.

She hears the woman sitting next to her sigh, loud enough for Seungwan to look back at her.

“Are you sure?” Seulgi asks one more time, still walking around the subject on tiptoes. Exactly like how she’s been doing over the last four years they’ve known each other. 

Seungwan wants to say no, she doesn’t know anything. Sooyoung never tells her anything, how can she possibly know? 

But she’s tired, and she just wants that week to end. Or that month, or that year. She just wants _something_ to end, maybe everything.

So all she does is nod, and pretend to smile, “Yes, I’m sure.”

The girl purses her lips, and before she can say anything, Joohyun finally makes her presence known, putting her hand above Seulgi’s and saying in a small voice, “I think Seungwan’s a big girl. She’d old enough to make her own choices.”

Seulgi seems to be pulled back to reality with her girlfriend touch, so she closes her eyes, and Seungwan already knows what’s coming next.

“I’m sorry if I was rude. I just want you to be careful.” Seulgi says, reaching out to hold Seungwan’s hand again. In a softer way this time. “I don’t want you to be just another one or not even that...”

The last words were barely above a whisper, but she hears it.

Joohyun puts her other hand above Seungwan’s, and they stay like that, the three of them holding hands like they’re making some type of pact. “What I think Seulgi is trying to say is… just, please, take better care of your heart.”

Seungwan’s smile becomes a little bit more honest. Maybe not how it should’ve been, but close enough.

“I’ll be fine.”

-

Except that she doesn’t, and her headache turns into a migraine, and then her whole body hurts.

Final exams are taking its toll on her and then there’s Sooyoung, who’s still acting like they’re strangers who happen to live together.

She keeps coming home late, avoiding serious conversations, and the only thing she lets Seungwan know is where she spent the night.

Seungwan never quite understood what is it with Sooyoung and her love for the beach, but she does know is how it feels to love something that much.

She’s asked her once, when they were still kids and had no idea of what the future held for them. Seungwan doesn’t need to remember the answer to know for sure it was something childlike and dreamy, like how the sea held infinite secrets and Sooyoung wanted to discover all of them. But they were all grown up now, so that wasn’t valid anymore, was it?

Seungwan doesn’t really care, though, she doesn’t need to know. What she does does care about is Sooyoung, so when the girl sneaks out of their shared apartment that night, Seungwan sighs in defeat when she realizes where she’s going. And she can’t help but worry.

As she stares at the pages she needs to read for her exam tomorrow morning, her mind keeps drifting off. _Sooyoung, Sooyoung, Sooyoung._

She feels pathetic.

-

To her surprise, Sooyoung comes back early that night. The girl is smiling when she sits on the kitchen table, where Seungwan is studying, and there’s something about how she looks that night that makes the blonde’s stomach drop.

Maybe it’s the ruined makeup, the swollen eyes or how her smile doesn’t seem much honest. Seungwan closes her notebook and tosses it aside, ready to ask her what’s wrong when Sooyoung beats her to it, putting her hand above Seungwan’s, but not touching it yet.

"Should I start writing again?" Sooyoung suddenly asks. She doesn’t look up, her eyes are focused on their hands as if considering if she should really touch her.

Seungwan stares at her, confused, and takes Sooyoung’s hand into hers – a brief incentive for her to continue speaking.

"Sometimes I forget a few things, for a few moments. My parents, when they... My childhood." She swallows, working around the words for them to make sense. Sooyoung raises her head, finally looking at Seungwan. “Maybe if I started to write again… maybe it could help.”

She seems lost, and Seungwan’s heart softens at the sight.

"Do you think I'm going crazy?" Sooyoung adds in a whisper, almost in despair. The question sounds so much like her, that Seungwan almost chuckles. It’s so _Sooyoung_ to think so much about such a small detail.

“No, I don’t.”

Sometimes, Seungwan feels like she’s losing control. Some memories are just fragments, others are barely a blur. She remembers spending time with her parents as a kid, remembers some birthdays, remembers meeting Sooyoung, but everything else feels like a life lived by someone else. The feeling of relief knowing that the same happens to Sooyoung as well is overwhelming, while it is soothing, and she doesn't think she had ever felt that light before.

She lets out a tiny smile and it’s so strange to her how it’s always so easy for her to do that when she’s with Sooyoung.

“It happens to me, too. Maybe we’re both crazy.”

This time Sooyoung giggles, and Seungwan’s smile only gets bigger.

“I think I’ll start writing again, just in case,” Sooyoung assures.

“Poetry?”

“Maybe.”

Curiosity creeps into Seungwan's skin when she remembers that she never read anything Sooyoung has ever written. She asked her, many, many times when they were still teenagers, but the answer had always been the same. She wonders what would be the answer if she asked right now. She doesn’t, of course, and they stay at that. Silent. It seems that’s all they’ve been doing lately, but in that moment, Seungwan think it might not be so bad anymore.

“I think the point of friendship is to know each more as time passes…” Seungwan starts, coyly, and bites her lower lip. “But you become more and more a mystery in a few aspects. It’s not really a bad thing, but...” She trails off, unsure, but Sooyoung is used to her sentences ending like that.

She adjusts herself on the chair, tilting her head to the side as she gazes at Seungwan.

“The human heart has hidden treasures, In secret kept, in silence sealed; The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures, Whose charms were broken if revealed.” Sooyoung’s voice is husky, and her eyes carry a different kind of glow. Seungwan wonders what they mean.

Sooyoung hadn’t recited poetry for her in a while and it’s still as wonderful as Seungwan remembers. She feels her jaw drop slightly when Sooyoung finishes it, and doesn't say anything, even though she wants to ask if that’s why Sooyoung is so secretive sometimes.

“Charlotte Bronte,” she continues, with a frown. “This is one of my favorites.”

“I love it when you recite poetry to me,” Seungwan says, supporting her elbows on the table as she leans closer just a bit.

Sooyoung smiles, not seeming the least amused, “It makes me look like less than a pretty but dumb face?”

“It makes me admire you even more.”

Sooyoung seems taken aback, completely caught off guard with the rawness of the answer.

She stays there, thinking about what she should do, and leans closer, her eyes never leaving Seungwan's. Seungwan holds her breath, letting her eyes flutter shut when she feels Sooyoung's breath mingling with hers. The younger of the two rests her forehead on Seungwan’s, the tip of her nose brushing softly against her friend’s.

Seungwan waits and waits, but before she can fully register what's going on, Sooyoung is already pulling away.

“I’m sorry, I think I’m still drunk,” she apologizes, and Seungwan can only nod. Of course she’s drunk, she should’ve noticed it sooner.

“Are you okay?” Seungwan asks, deciding not to dwell in her own thoughts. She wants to ask something else, probably if Sooyoung needs space, but she doesn’t. She’s selfish and clingy, and that’s probably why her feelings aren’t reciprocated.

There’s no answer. Instead, Sooyoung caress her hand again, eyes locked on Seungwan’s carrying a look she can’t quite read, and feelings hit her like a train on a track.

She loves her. Seungwan _loves_ Sooyoung.

It feels like ages since the last time she said it out loud. In that moment, she wants to remind Sooyoung of that, and she’s not sure she wants to hear the answer, so she brushes it off.

There are things better left behind, it’s what Seungwan likes to believe. That doesn’t bother her, not much, but sometimes, when she looks at Sooyoung and the girl looks back at her, Seungwan swears she can see so many things left unsaid. As if Sooyoung knows what she doesn’t and that irks her, because Seungwan is sure that’s probably her mind tricking her again and that there’s nothing she can do.

Still, she thinks some things are better left behind. But sometimes, she wonders if it’s the same for things that are left unsaid.

-

When Sooyoung turned sixteen, she took Seungwan to the beach. It was the first time they went there together and as they sat in the sand and watched the stars, the moon above them, Seungwan thought it was the first time she’d ever feel safe being alone with someone. She wondered if Sooyoung felt it too.

“When I was a kid, I thought I was a mermaid.” Sooyoung broke the silence, almost sounding scared to let that piece of personal information known. “Whenever I entered the sea, I never wanted to leave. I’d stay there for hours if it was up to me.”

Seungwan laughed, “Maybe we could go swimming next time.”

There were sparkles on Sooyoung's eyes, and she couldn't tell if it was because of what she said, the moonlight, or both.

Sooyoung rolled on the sand, hugging her by the waist and sweeping her lips on her temple.

“I thought you didn’t know how to swim,” she joked, making the other girl shrug.

“You could always teach me.” Seungwan offered, turning her face to look back at the stars.

“Of course, Seungwannie,” Sooyoung said, caring, and stroked the back of her hand with her fingertips. Her skin felt warm at the touch, heat rising to her cheeks.

She had always hated that nickname, how it sounded, but when it rolled off of Sooyoung’s tongue, she thought it was okay. Nice, even.

Sooyoung finally left a gentle kiss where she was brushing her lips. She moved them to her cheek and then to the corner of her lips.

Seungwan’s eyelids were tightly shut, her limbs numb and her breath labored, and Sooyoung didn’t seem like she would stop anytime soon.

 _Sooyoung’s lips, Sooyoung’s kisses, Sooyoung’s voice._ She thought she might get used to it.

“Of course,” she said again. Seungwan tried not to think of how much it sounded like a promise.

-

The library is quiet and devoid of many students that morning. Seungwan sits there after her test, reading her textbook and carefully turning from page to page as a way to avoid thinking about what happened last night. If she focus on distracting herself enough, it’s almost as if nothing happened at all. She doesn’t want to think about Sooyoung again, can’t let her hopes up only for them to crash back on the ground and bring her along.

That’s why she chooses to pretend she doesn’t feel the bitter taste that is left on her tongue. She’s becoming quite the actress.

“What happened last night?” a voice brings her back to reality, and Seungwan has no idea for how long, but Yerim is sitting in front of her.

It feels like ages since they saw each other.

“Hello to you, too,” she says, and all Yerim does is roll her eyes. “What is it?”

“You seem distracted.” Yerim explains, pointing at her post-it notes. When Seungwan looks at it, she’s not sure she can read her own handwriting.

“Sorry, rough night.”

“Was it…?” She trails off, not sure if Seungwan is willing to talk about it.

“It’s stupid.” She shakes her head.

“Tell me,” Yerim suggests, and the blonde sighs.

“Is it supposed to hurt this bad? Because even when it doesn't… it still stings a little.” Seungwan says, vaguely, and runs her fingers through her hair. “I have friends, I have my own money, I’m majoring in something I like… but why does it feel so lonely?”

Yerim just looks at her, worried.

“Sorry, I’m rambling.” Seungwan says, awkwardly, and Yerim shakes her head.

“Do you want to talk more about it?”

Seungwan sinks on her chair, thinking, and denies. To talk about things like that always made her feel worse. Yerim is quick to divert the subject.

“There’s a party this weekend,” she mentions, carefully.

Seungwan arches an eyebrow.

“And?”

“You’re coming with me, Joohyun, and Seulgi.” Yerim says, _demands_ , and Seungwan knows better than to argue with that.

She laughs.

“Are you even old enough to go?”

Yerim seems to be relieved she’s on her joking mood again, so she laughs with her and pushes her shoulder.

“Of course I am, idiot.”

Seungwan’s laugh dies little by little, and only to think about leaving the comfort of her house to go to a party makes her tired.

“Do I really need to go?” She tries again and sighs in defeat. The look on Yerim’s face is all the answer she needs.

Seungwan bites her lower lip, not sure if she should add anything else. She taps her fingers nervously on the cover of her textbook, mind drifting off.

“Seungwan?” the girl calls out, and the older raises her eyes to meet Yerim’s.

There’s a strange tenderness on them that makes Yerim rethink about her words.

“I think that...” she ponders on her next words, trying her best not to hurt Seungwan. “I think that if it hurts… it means you’re doing something wrong.”

-

Thoughts of Sooyoung keep her lying awake in bed, waiting for the girl to come back home so Seungwan can talk to her, ask if everything is okay between them. She can’t take this for long – the longer she waits the more it feels like she’s drowning again.

The only problem is that Sooyoung doesn’t come back until three in the morning, and when she hears the front door open, Seungwan doesn’t take long to realize Sooyoung’s not alone.

The walls are thin and it’s not like they’re trying to keep it quiet anyway, so Seungwan hears it all. She hears their heavy breathings, and Sooyoung’s voice asking the other girl to keep it quiet as she takes her to the bedroom.

Seungwan tries to listen to music to keep her thoughts away, but it’s useless. Her mind seems to like to betray her, and she hates that she can almost hear Seulgi’s voice warning her.

-

After her usual Friday classes, Seungwan comes home to an empty apartment. There are no texts on her phone, no notes on the fridge, and somehow, she feels empty too.

-

The first time Seungwan asked about hobbies, Sooyoung had just turned ten. The answer was brief, vacant as every answer Sooyoung gave when the question was too personal. Thirteen year old Seungwan had no idea how that would be a personal thing, but they were older now, and twenty year old Seungwan did. 

They were sitting on Sooyoung’s bed after a tiring day at school for her, and a rough day at university for Seungwan.

From where she was, she could see the surfboard poorly hidden behind the wardrobe, the notebooks on Sooyoung’s desk that her friend never let her get close to, the guitar case full of dust in the corner of her room.

Was Sooyoung really that multitalented? Or was she just fearless to try new things?

After the unexpected question, Sooyoung just stared at her, like she had just heard the most random thing. 

“Why do you want to know?” she asked, lying back on her bed dramatically. “I told you before.”

Seungwan scooted closer, pulling a few strands of her hair out of her face. She took a deep breath, looking at Sooyoung’s relaxed expression. 

“It didn’t count. Plus, I’m still curious. You were pretty vague back then,” she answered softly, and decided to play with the younger girl’s hair for a while. Sooyoung had the softest hair and it always smelled nice.

“You’re always curious,” Sooyoung snickered, closing her eyes as she enjoyed Seungwan’s fingers running through threads of her hair. “I like the beach.” The affirmation came quietly, almost in a whisper, as if the girl was afraid to let anyone else know about something as private as that.

“Everyone likes the beach.” Seungwan remarked. 

“It’s more than just that,” she added, opening her eyes again. Deep brown orbs stared back at Seungwan, and she could swear Sooyoung could read right through her. She had never felt that exposed before. “I love the beach. It feels like home.”

Of course, Seungwan knew she liked poetry, books. She knew Sooyoung could play the guitar, otherwise she wouldn’t have one in her bedroom. She also knew she liked reading medical reports too much to be just a pastime, and that she wrote poems, but in the six years they’ve known each other, Sooyoung had never talked about anything that was meaningful to her. Not with so much love, so much emotion. To be able to finally see that raw side of her friend after almost begging for her to open up more made Seungwan’s stomach flutter, and she almost gasped on thin air with how strong that feeling was.

“Isn’t that a bit drastic?” she tried to say, in her own way of asking Sooyoung to be more clear about what she meant.

The girl shrugged, looking around her room. 

“I feel more at home at the beach than at my own house.” Her voice was back at its whispery tone, and Seungwan couldn’t help but feel giddy at the realization that Sooyoung trusted her enough to talk so freely about something so heavy as her life with her parents. However, Seungwan also knew the seriousness of that conversation. 

“And why’s that?” Seungwan inquired. She traced Sooyoung’s hands that were resting on her stomach with her fingertips, and when she felt she had the permission to do so, Seungwan turned one of her hands upwards so they could intertwine their fingers.

Sooyoung’s hands were soft and warm, but rough and cold at the same time. Seungwan wondered if it was just her feelings for her best friend that made them seem warm in the first place. 

“When I’m swimming or surfing… I feel in control,” Sooyoung justified. “I’ve never felt that in my whole life.”

Seungwan nodded, thinking about her friend’s parents, that for some reason, are so similar to hers. Control freaks, obsessed with status and nothing less than selfish bigots. She knew Sooyoung's case ran deeper than that, the scars on her best friend’s body were there to remind her.

“I don’t need to pretend anything there.” Sooyoung added, running her thumb on the back of Seungwan’s hand. “I can be who I am, because there’s no one there. No one can say anything, there’s no one to judge me.”

“You shouldn’t have to pretend anywhere.” 

Seungwan slumped downward on the bed and rested her nape on the arm whose hand wasn't locked to Sooyoung's, but turned her head to face her. In that position, she could see Sooyoung’s eyes more closely, how they shined so bright that could turn someone blind. 

Sometimes, Seungwan felt like Sooyoung was the Sun and she was Earth – too close, but never close enough. 

“I don’t have to pretend anything when I’m with you.” The confession was quiet, as if Sooyoung was embarrassed by it. 

Seungwan closed her eyes with the unconcealed words, trying to prevent her heart from beating too fast or Sooyoung would notice and push her away. 

“Don’t say things like that…” she muttered, trapping her lower lip between her teeth. 

Sooyoung’s giggle made Seungwan take a deep breath. She was starting to regret lying down on bed with her, being this near to Sooyoung was never good for her heart. 

“I’m sorry, Seungwannie.”

She was so close Seungwan could feel her breath, her nose almost bumping into hers. At moments like this, she wondered if Sooyoung felt the same way, if she loved her too, but those thoughts never last long. There was no use in keeping her hopes up, not when she knew the fall was going to be bigger.

“You’re not.” Seungwan laughed, and Sooyoung joined her. 

“Of course I’m not. You know me too well.” 

“I do. It’s my job as your best friend.”

At moments like this, when Sooyoung’s smile faltered every time she said something that reminded them of what they were and where they stood, Seungwan couldn’t help but hope… but Sooyoung always made sure the change in her expression didn’t stay there for long, and Seungwan often wondered if she had imagined the whole thing.

“The best,” Sooyoung smiled, and just like that Seungwan felt her chest tighten again, like there was something missing.

-

She doesn’t see Sooyoung for the rest of the week. It was probably for the best, both of them needed to sort their thoughts out before talking to each other again.

What Seungwan doesn’t expect is to see her on Saturday, at the party Yerim dragged her to.

Sitting at a distance she considers to be safe, Seungwan watches as the brown-haired girl’s slender body slides gently across the dance floor. She stares the graceful, delicate moves that captivates everyone watching.

Seungwan thinks she looks beautiful tonight, but that was expected. For her, Sooyoung always looks beautiful.

She can’t take her eyes off of her. She’s mesmerized with every part of her body that moves according to the music, her lips slightly parted glowing in that red lipstick.

Seungwan suddenly finds it hard to breathe when she sees the younger woman bit her lower lip as her hands climb up her own waist until they reach the back of her neck, taking a few hair strands along the way only to drop them back onto her shoulders.

The sight makes Seungwan dizzy. The message is clear, she knows how beautiful she is and she knows the effect she has on others. And Seungwan is no exception.

Seungwan takes her glass of vodka and drinks it in only one sip, trying to think of anything else that isn’t Sooyoung. It works, for a while, because her friends decide to talk about some meaningless matter and soon she begins to get in the middle of the conversation again. But when she looks away for what she thought was a brief second, she sees Sooyoung smile drunkenly at her and stumble on a dark-haired girl who barely awaited her on the way out.

Not that she didn’t already suspect the night to end like this, but in that moment, as she watches the girl she loves succumb once more to her desires with someone she would never see again, Seungwan feels the realization, the nagging pain that screams the obvious truth that Park Sooyoung would never be hers.

-

When Seungwan wakes up in the next morning, it’s because Sooyoung is throwing up in their shared bathroom.

She sighs, hopping off of her bed, and when she gets there, Sooyoung is on the floor, supporting herself on both elbows as she puts all the content of her stomach in the toilet.

Seungwan takes a few strands out of her face and improvises a ponytail.

“Go away, save yourself,” Sooyoung mutters, her voice weak and rough because of her sore throat.

Seungwan chuckles and helps her stand up, losing a little of her balance in the process. It doesn’t bother her, not really. She always liked to take care of Sooyoung.

“At least one of your organs is still alive,” she says, earning herself a half smile.

Sooyoung stands on her feet alone and tries to fix her appearance while facing her own reflection in the mirror. Seungwan remains still, leaning on the bathroom door in what seems to be gathering courage to say something.

“You came home too late last night. Or too early, I don’t know.” She tries, hoping her voice wouldn’t fail her. “I was worried.”

“You always are. But I’m okay.” It’s all Sooyoung answers, her voice muffled by the water she’s using to take away any residue of her mouth. She finishes it in a few seconds, but doesn’t raises her head, closing her eyes as she leans completely in the bathroom sink, like she’s sick.

She gets up again in an instant and when she tries to leave, Seungwan doesn’t move an inch, suddenly feeling confident to tell Sooyoung what she needs to hear.

“You should’ve at least let me know where you were. You shouldn’t leave me here worried sick every time you want to get laid.” Seungwan says, but the younger woman only shrugs. Her head starts to throb, she doesn’t have the strength to have this conversation this early in the morning.

“I came back, didn’t I?” Sooyoung answers impatiently.

She pushes Seungwan out of the way gently and the woman sighs.

 _You did, but you’re different. Like every time you come back ._ But she doesn’t say anything, she never does.

“How was it?” The question slips out of her mouth before she can think, and she shudders at Sooyoung’s cold stare.

“Does it matter?” She arches an eyebrow.

“Does it matter to _you_?” Seungwan almost yells, her voice quivering mid-sentence. “You don’t like any of those girls, so why… why do you keep going out with them? It’s the sex really that worthy of the trouble?”

“Is that jealousy I sense?” Sooyoung replies. The provocation makes Seungwan sick in the stomach.

“I’m _worried_.” She stresses the word.

“It’s fun.” Sooyoung answers, sounding mad that this wasn’t obvious enough for her to notice. “It’s not like any of them would want a relationship with me, anyway.”

Seungwan thinks about the almost kisses they shared, about the lingering eyes. This can’t be the same person, and she’s tired of being treated this way.

“This is all a fucking game to you, isn’t it?” Seungwan snaps. Sooyoung looks startled, she’s never seen Seungwan curse before.

“What?” she says, in shock.

“You sleep around, play with people… play _them,_ so you won’t get bored of how pathetic your life has come to be.”

“Why does it matter to you?” Her voice is so hurt Seungwan can’t help but worry if she was too mean, but she doesn’t step back.

“Because I love you!” Seungwan answers, without filter. The girl’s eyes are on her, in awe. “It hurts me to see you like this.”

When Sooyoung speaks again, there’s no emotion in her voice.

“Like what?”

“Using people like you’ve given up on yourself,” Seungwan says, her voice softens. She takes a step closer and cups her face. “I’m here.”

Sooyoung doesn’t move, and Seungwan takes the opportunity to get even closer.

“I’m here and I love you,” Seungwan says again, more surely. “You love me too, right? Why don’t you do anything?”

It’s selfish, she knows, but she’s desperate. She wants to hear it too.

“Love should make us feel whole.” Sooyoung says, instead, her eyes closed as she takes a step back. “But why do I feel like I’ll only break you more?”

“I’m not a missing piece, you know.” Seungwan brushes her thumb on her cheek. “We’re not half of anything, we’re just normal beings having rough times.”

Sooyoung doesn’t say anything back.

“You need to stop thinking so lowly of yourself.” Seungwan protests.

“This is so ironic coming from you,” Sooyoung mutters, and the edgy remark spoken in that soft tone makes Seungwan smiles. The Sooyoung she knows and loves seems to be coming back.

“Do as I say, not as I do.” Seungwan chuckles. She’s starting to feel light again.

But it never lasts long, because Sooyoung sighs and closes her eyes.

Her laugh is bitter, but the emotion doesn’t reach her eyes. They seem so apathetic it frightens Seungwan.

“I’m sorry, Seungwannie.”

She stands there and watches Sooyoung grabs her coat and her phone _. Of course she’s leaving again._

So she stands still by the door frame, while Sooyoung opens the door and walk away. That’s all she ever does.

-

Seungwan was twenty-one when she felt she ruined everything.

They were back at the beach, a few weeks ago, right before things started to fall apart. Their backs were pressed against the sand, eyes glued on the starry sky while they had a beer or two, or ten, each one.

“How do you see yourself in a few years?” Sooyoung suddenly asked, not tearing her eyes away to look at Seungwan.

“I’m not sure,” she answered, halfhearted.

“What do you mean?” Sooyoung frowned, finally turning to look at her. “Everyone has dreams.”

“I didn’t say I don’t have dreams, I just...” Seungwan shrugged. “It’s not the same thing.”

The taller girl scoffed, getting up from her position, and sat there, confused, waiting for an explanation. Seungwan sighed, still lying on her back.

“I think some dreams are not for us to accomplish, so they wouldn’t be exactly how I see myself on the future.”

“What are they for, then?” Sooyoung tilted her head, completely immersed in the explanation. She had that innocent confused aura she always did when Seungwan decided to explain things to her.

When they were young, Seungwan would often tell her stories about myths, or share her beliefs. She didn’t realize how much she missed that, but with Sooyoung starting college and them moving in together, there wasn’t enough time for fairy tales.

“Some dreams exist so we can keep moving towards them.”

Sooyoung giggled.

“That’s pretty poetic. And I’m the literature major.”

Seungwan crinkled her nose, “I guess it is.”

She looked at Sooyoung, who, surprisingly, was already looking at her.

“You’re so smart, Seungwannie,” the girl said, dreamily, and Seungwan had to close her eyes to avoid the feelings that overflowed on her. It was useless, even though she tried, and not even that annoying nickname was enough to keep the butterflies away from her stomach.

Sooyoung bit her lower lip, touching Seungwan’s cheek with an open palm. She was drunk, Seungwan reminded herself, but so was she. Couldn’t she risk it?

“I love you,” she blurted out.

There was no answer for a while, and as they awkward silence grew heavier, Seungwan just stayed there, blood rushing through her veins like she’d just ran a marathon. But then Sooyoung let out a close-mouthed smile and the blonde thought she could breathe again.

“I love you, too,” she said, proud, and just like that, it didn’t seem like that was enough for Seungwan.

“What I mean is… I’m in love with you,” she added, bravely.

Sooyoung’s brows met in the middle of her forehead and she just stared, not sure of what she should say. She still seemed drunk, and Seungwan herself wasn’t that far off, but the lack of an answer freaked her out a bit.

She ruined it. The best friend she’s ever had, the only person who stood by her side after everything, she was definitely going to walk away now. Except, she didn’t. Instead, Sooyoung remained there, silent, and before she could think, Sooyoung's lips were on hers, kissing her.

Seungwan gasped in surprise, but when she tried to push back, Sooyoung pressed further, colliding their mouths in a heated kiss. Seungwan grasped the hem of her shirt with one hand, and brought the other to the back of her neck to keep her in place.

It was everything she’d ever imagined to be, but somehow, her stomach started to tighten and tears fell down on her face.

She pushed Sooyoung away, and tried to calm her breathing before turning aside. Seungwan tried to open her mouth to say anything, but she couldn’t. Before she even tried again, Sooyoung was already standing on her feet.

No words were exchanged, but she thought she could see the pain in Sooyoung’s eyes. She wondered if she was imagining that as well, however, Sooyoung started to walk away.

-

There was a calming loneliness in sitting on her couch during rainfalls, Seungwan thought.

Thunderstorm roars outside, the noise bothering Seungwan’s ears as she gives up on what she was doing to hug herself. She closes her eyes, a poor attempt to keep herself distracted by focusing on the rhythmic frequency that makes her chest inflate and contract with each breath.

It doesn’t take long for Seungwan to open her eyes and groan in frustration when she realizes that it wouldn’t get her anywhere. Sooyoung would eventually return to her mind. She always does.

-

It’s past two in the morning when Seungwan’s phone starts to ring.

The line remains silent for a few minutes after she answers the call and even though she knew who it was, Seungwan didn’t have the courage to say anything.

“Seungwan,” the voice on the other end of the line sounds soft and slightly shaky when she decides to say something.

“Hey.” Seungwan says, dumbly. She rolls her eyes at her own greeting.

“I’m so sorry.”

Seungwan bites her lower lip. She can hear the pleading tone, the despair, and she doesn’t think she’s ever heard Sooyoung sounding like that before.

“I lied to you.” Sooyoung speaks again, getting lost in her own words. Something shifted, Seungwan is well aware, but judging by how slow Sooyoung’s words are, she’s not sure if it will last until she’s sober again. “I’m so, so sorry, Seungwannie.”

She sighs, “It’s okay.”

Both of them stay quiet for a few seconds before Sooyoung speaks up again.

“Come to the beach with me, Seungwannie.”

Seungwan scoffs, looking at the clock on the wall.

“It’s in the middle of the night, Sooyoung.” She tries to say, silently pleading for her friend to be reasonable, but judging by how drunk she sounds, that’s probably the last thing she’ll be.

“Please…”

Seungwan stares at the clock again. She doesn’t think she can say no to Sooyoung.

-

Maybe she should’ve stayed home. Maybe, just maybe, she shouldn’t give in so easily when it comes to Sooyoung. However, the gleaming sand beneath her feet distract her. The sky, finally lighting up, and the dark blue that colors the endless sea make her wonder if it’s not worth it taking a risk sometimes.

Seungwan looks at the bottles of beer next to where she’s sitting and then, she stares at Sooyoung, who has her eyes already glued on her.

She wants to stay like this forever, just her and Sooyoung. With Sooyoung and the sea.

“What did you mean when you said you lied to me?” she asks, after what seems to be an eternity.

A small chuckle leaves Sooyoung’s mouth. She doesn’t seem drunk anymore, but she’s not sober either. Seungwan thinks it’s good enough.

“I haven’t seen anyone in a while. Months, I think,” she simply says. “Just a friend. She’s been helping me sort things out with... myself, I guess.”

Seungwan frowns, confused. She thinks back to the muffled voices she heard back at their apartment and, embarrassed, she doesn’t take long to realize how wrong she read the situation.

“You were right,” Sooyoung continued. “My life is pathetic and boring.”

Seungwan is about to take it back, but Sooyoung probably didn’t meant it like a personal attack, so she keeps quiet, choosing to hear what her friend has to say.

“You better than anyone else knows how much of that is true.” Sooyoung adds as an afterthought. “But the beach is an important part of me, just like you.”

She tilts her head, eyes focused on Seungwan, taking her in. It disarms her – she never liked the feeling she gets when she’s being watched. Even though she’s a bit lightheaded there’s no way Sooyoung is looking at her like that, like she’s in _love_. It takes a while for her to realize Sooyoung really is in love, just not with her. It’s probably the beach. It always makes Sooyoung lovelier than usual.

“We’re quite similar, you know?”

Seungwan thinks she does, so all she does is nod. They had a lot in common, in fact. They were something between black and white. Not quite gray, but close enough. Only a mess, everything mixed together just to form an even bigger mess.

There’s something about spending half of your life with someone who isn’t blood related to you. It’s hard, but it’s also a gift, and Seungwan wouldn’t have it any other way. Sooyoung really knows her. She knows every little thing about her, her idiosyncrasies. It’s quite comforting to know someone hasn’t given up on her despite everything.

“But you’ve always been the best of us.”

“Don’t say things like that, Sooyoung,” Seungwan disagrees, and for a moment, she’s taken back to the years where she lied on Sooyoung’s bed and say the same thing whenever the taller one decided to flirt. She wishes she could go back. Maybe if she did, if she confessed back then, things wouldn’t be so hard right now.

“Sometimes...” Sooyoung starts again, barely registering Seungwan’s words. If she did, she pretended not to. “When I enter the water, I wish for the sea to just drag me away, so I would have a reason to fight. I’ve been numb for a while, it’s getting exhausting.”

“I’m here, Sooyoung,” Seungwan tries to say, but her voice is too weak. “You can stop pretending no one cares.”

A small pout makes its way to Sooyoung’s lips before they stretch out into a bright, beaming smile.

“I’ve told you once I’ve never felt like home when I was living with my parents, do you remember?”

Of course she does, but Seungwan merely nods as an answer. _The beach is her home_ , Seungwan thinks, but she doesn’t say it out loud. She feels like the words should come for Sooyoung for a while, not sure if she could manage to say anything without stuttering.

“I love the sea,” the girl says, dreamily, looking ahead. The sun was already coming up and the water was clearer than before, glowing with the dim sunlight. “I love the sea and I love you. The sea and you are the things I love the most.”

“I love you, too,” Seungwan says, almost sadly. It’s not enough anymore.

“What I mean is...” she takes a deep breath. “I’m in love with you too, Seungwannie. I have been for a while now. And I don’t feel numb when I’m with you.”

For a few seconds, Seungwan has no idea of what to say next. Her throat is dry, her heart is pounding, and she wishes she could be like Sooyoung – always with the right and beautiful words.

“Stars are falling, beaming down. On the ground, is where I’m found. On a summer’s night, some stars may fall, but I am here to catch them all. Looking at the stars above, I can see some stars of love. Some are good. Some are kind. Some are yours. And some are mine. Oh! Stars above please shine your light so that I may find my way, tonight.” Sooyoung recites in a sing-song voice, running her thumb on Seungwan’s cheek. “Stephanie Mayle.”

“You’re such a romantic.” Seungwan jokes.

They were quiet, awkwardly avoiding saying something that could ruin the moment.

“Did I say too much?” Sooyoung’s voice is quivery.

Seungwan blinks in awe, doing her best to make her head stop from spinning. “What do you mean?”

Sooyoung laughs.

“It’s quite obvious, isn’t it?”

“Then what do we do?” she raises her eyebrows, looking like a kid.

Sooyoung just shrugs. “I’m not sure. I just know that I want you.”

Seungwan lets out a smile she didn’t know she was holding back. Before she can think further, Sooyoung’s nose is trailing her left shoulder. She suddenly stops, breathing Seungwan’s scent in while she rests her forehead on the girl’s cheek.

“You can have me,” it’s all Seungwan can say.

She shifts forward, this time hugging Sooyoung tightly. She hides her face on the taller girl’s neck and tries to steady her breathing before she starts to kiss it softly. Sooyoung strokes Seungwan’s hair and when she feels like it, she holds her by the nape and brings their faces together.

Gently, a kiss is placed on Seungwan’s cheek, and then on her nose, and then on the corner of her lips.

“You always have me.” Seungwan says, _promises_ , and she’s sure she wouldn’t mind making more of those for Sooyoung.


End file.
